


From the Journal of Obi-Wan the Serial Killer

by orphan_account



Series: The Adventures of Obi-Wan the Serial Killer [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Deranged!Obi-Wan, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Other, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:33:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set approximately ten years after <em>The Padawan Band</em>. Obi-Wan keeps a journal of his daily activities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the Journal of Obi-Wan the Serial Killer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [citizenjess (givehimonemore)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/givehimonemore/gifts).



> Gift!fic for Citizenjess!! :D :D :D Oh man did I have fun writing this for her. *hugs!* Okay so, um, small explanation for those not in the know - there's a considerable difference between this fic and _The Padawan Band_ because this fic mostly was inspired by my Serial Killer Obi-Wan RP blog on Tumblr, which evolved from the basis of the original fic and now Obi-Wan is not only a serial killer, he's also obsessed with his revolving harem of secret girlfriends. Anyway, Taria Damsin belongs to Karen Miller - she's another one of Obi-Wan's girlfriends, y'see. :D

Dear Diary,

I had my mullet trimmed today. There is a particularly wonderful barber that I sometimes visit outside of the Temple – he always gives me a rather dashing styling for my beard and moustache. I must say, I enjoy these reprieves from the war zones – it is very difficult to keep my facial hair groomed and immaculate while taking droids apart. I now have short hair again and I think it makes me look exceptionally sophisticated. I also picked up a bottle of hair gel to keep it rigidly in place for when I am fighting.

I think I shall visit Taria today. She hasn’t passed away yet and from memory, I believe she is in remission, which means she should have enough energy for a ~sparring lesson. Satine is also on-planet, but I’ve booked in to have lunch with her several hours before my appointment with Bail tomorrow.

(Note to self: buy flowers for Sheltay, and possibly slip her some credits – I don’t think Bail pays her enough, she always seems to be wearing the same dress.)

In other news, Anakin is a Jedi Knight as of today. The promotion was… well, something of an accident. I  _had_  been aiming for his throat but he slipped on a wet patch and I lopped off his Padawan Braid instead. Unfortunately he assumed it meant I Knighted him, and, well, he just looked so delighted that I couldn’t disabuse him of the notion. I was miffed he didn’t give the braid to me – presumably he intends to gift it to Senator Amidala – so I’ve locked him in the trash compactor for a few hours. He made fun of my haircut, anyway.

Also in other news, Chancellor Palpatine is becoming quite irritating. I have a high tolerance for inane politicians and for his cultivation of power in particular, but I cannot abide by his horrific robes and tacky choice in interior décor. All of that Sith red – simply atrocious. It must be a Naboo thing – his robes rival the hideousness of Senator Amidala’s half the time. He’s also not keeping up with his youth treatments; the last time I had a private dinner with him I noticed his skin was beginning to wrinkle beyond the point of me being able to politely ignore it. Honestly, Qui-Gon was ten years his senior and he always kept himself in prime physical condition, which I can personally attest to. I’m displeased by Chancellor Palpatine’s lack of personal care.

* * *

 

Dear Diary,

Taria was most pleased to see me and approved of my haircut. The, ahem, sparring session was most enjoyable – afterwards she was greatly out of breath and fainted. It was extremely arousing. It took up the majority of my morning and afternoon and I forgot about Anakin – by the time I retrieved him he smelled positively atrocious. I’ve punished him by locking him in the Temple freezer again.

* * *

 

Dear Diary,

Satine called me a murderer again today while I performed cunnilingus on her. I wish she wouldn’t say such hurtful things; I mean, I don’t go around calling her an arsonist when she fellates me. She did not, thankfully, criticise my beard again – I think she’s growing fond of it.

Bail was much politer. He’s also better in bed – he is the only one of my lovers actually capable of locating my prostate, and I’m very fond of his choice in fashion. Alderaanian clothes have always seemed more palatable than Naboo’s to me. The décor, too.

I forgot about Anakin again until I looked back over the journal entries. When I let him out of the freezer he was fine, though, which again puzzled me since he’s supposedly very sensitive to the cold. I honestly think he just fibs about that for sympathy – those “space is cold” and “I’m a desert boy” lines might work on Padmé, but I am entirely impervious to their effect.

_Later_

Anakin says he’s going to have dinner with the Chancellor. I expressed my dismay, but Anakin just shouted something about me ‘always criticising him’ and ‘holding him back’ and that Palpatine ‘understands him’ before storming out. Does rat poison expire? I found some in the back of the cupboard from years ago. At any rate, I think I shall have to limit his interaction with the Chancellor until someone else is elected. For Anakin’s own protection, of course. The closet still has a lock on it.

* * *

 

Dear Diary,

Chancellor Palpatine passed away mysteriously and tragically but entirely naturally in his sleep last night. The funeral will be held tomorrow, and elections for a new Chancellor will be held the day after. Will elaborate further later.

Note to self: remember to let Anakin out of the closet this time – he smells like urine.

* * *

 

Dear Diary,

The other five candidates for the Chancellor’s position all tragically but naturally passed away overnight as well. Bail is now the Supreme Chancellor by default. I visited him in his office and requested that he change the upholstery; he agreed.

Sadly, Breha was also present to congratulate Bail, which meant I was unable to inaugurate the Chancellor’s desk with him. I’ll have to catch him alone tonight.

In other news, the hair gel is a hit. My hair stayed rigidly in place in its sophisticated cut while I made love to Senator Amidala; she praised it, as well as my beard. (She also is in fact in possession of Anakin’s Padawan Braid. I tried to steal it back but then I found out she used it as a self-pleasure item; I no longer want it.) As inebriated as Padmé often is, she is a _much_  more considerate lover than Satine, who is now calling herself a “Level 5 Vegan” and won’t look at me in the eye anymore while we have sex because I’m still an omnivore. I think it’s time for me to investigate the Death Watch circles on Mandalore – her sister Bo-Katan seems much more reasonable.

PS: Taria died today. Not, sadly, in my arms, but instead when I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. The funeral was very sombre. I maintained an expression of deep, abiding sorrow but I bravely did not weep. I think Alys is still alive; perhaps I shall turn to her for comfort in this most tragic hour.


End file.
